Society seems to have experienced a seismic shift. It’s pretty well understood that somewhere along the way we have moved from a general sense of the public good, to a sense of me and me alone. Some of the simplest examples of this are key public figures, politicians and actors, who when caught in compromising positions, feel that the utterance of a mea culpa is sufficient penitence to right the wrong.
The whole idea spawns at least two lines of thought:
(1) rules don’t apply
(2) personal choices and personal lives are private
Let’s start with the concept of when rules do not apply?
When this topic comes up, our minds immediately go to public figures whose bad behavior seems to populate our various screens daily. Just think about the last time you heard of a politician taking a bribe in exchange for a vote? Or the business executives who take part in insider trading, knowing that company employees would be drained of their retirement savings? Or how could either of them think that they can use illegal drugs and then think that no one would find out?
It's easy enough to see why some people think the rules don't apply to them – money and power. But that isn’t looking at the bigger picture. The picture, or mirror, that shows all of us deciding which rules we will obey and which ones just don’t apply to us. “What,” you say. “I follow the rules, I submit my taxes on time every year.” And I say, yes you may, but I bet you routinely speed when driving your car, or how about pulling over to the side of the road in a no stopping zone to drop your kids off at school. These are rules we choose not to obey – obviously they don’t apply.
Is it a gross example of narcissistic behavior gone wild?
According to online definitions, narcissists display a self-grandiosity that causes a sense of entitlement. That does have a ring to it. In our zeal to raise self-confident, fulfilled individuals, have we also fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe you can do whatever you want? This lack of accountability, a sense of entitlement, sort of an unspoken sense that the rules do not apply to them?
Victim thinking pervades our life
It’s easiest to see this behavior first in children – they usually don’t know the finer points of subterfuge yet. According to an article in Psychology Today, whenever a child doesn’t want to take responsibility, it’s very likely they’ll present themselves as a victim. When your child says, “You don’t understand me,” that’s playing the victim. The article goes on to explain that what they’re really saying is, “I’m a victim of your misunderstanding." This behavior becomes more refined with age, but essentially it’s the same. We become adept at using "victem" strategies to rationalize our actions – “I drive faster because that’s the way everyone else does.”
Does "personal life" become an acceptable excuse?
The second part of this argument is that personal choices and personal lives are private. In other words, it doesn’t matter whether we commit an illegal act as long as it’s done in private, not in a public forum. That sort of thinking is just wrong. Is it okay to carry a loaded gun and shoot it off randomly? That’s what it’s like to drive a car while intoxicated. Or how about commit murder as long as no one finds out? This example is extreme, but I use it to illuminate a point. Again refering to the same article in Psychology Today, the core of victim thinking is the belief that if you’re a victim of something, then the rules don’t apply to you – if you’re a victim, you’re not responsible for the results of your actions. If you're not responsible, then you don't have to change anything: it's somebody else's fault. Is it that kind of thinking has led to the type of society that we seem to see around us today, in which no one takes responsibility for anything and everyone is a victim of some perceived injustice?
Not too long ago my husband and I were in New York where we spotted a sign in the back of an abandoned building somehow illuminated by a shaft of sunlight. Reading it had a profound effect on my life. The problem with being an adult is there is no one left to blame. Here's to a world where we finally become adult.
